I hear people say:

“I want to feel happier.”

“I have this rage and I want it to go away.”

“I want to stop feeling anxious.”

“I overthink everything.”

We can spend a lot of time trying to get rid of the emotions we don’t like, always in pursuit of the “good” or “happy” emotions.

But what if, instead of running away from some of our emotions, we actively looked to feel all four main ones each day?

Before humans developed language, we developed emotions. They helped us respond to danger, connect with each other and make sense of what was happening around us. Without the full range of emotions, humans would have died out long ago. Our emotions carry information. They tell us something about what is happening inside us and around us.

That doesn’t mean our emotions should dictate how we act. Feeling angry doesn’t mean we have to act violently. If we feel it, listen to it, we can use it as a force for change. Feeling sadness doesn’t mean we’re depressed. If we feel it, listen to it, it can bring us relief and peace and help us to feel the joy when it comes.

Perhaps, rather than trying to be happy all the time, we might feel more balanced by allowing ourselves the full range of human emotions: sadness, anger, fear and joy. (I’m going to do a separate blog on ‘guilt’ because that’s a complicated one)

It’s not always that easy.

Often, certain emotions were less welcome in our childhoods. Some were given recognition and positive attention, while others were ignored, laughed at, dismissed or punished.

Take a minute to think about which emotions were not permitted in your childhood.

Was sadness quickly ushered away?

“Cheer up!”

“Turn that frown upside down!”

“Don’t be so silly.”

“What have you got to be sad about?”

“Always look on the bright side.”

Perhaps you learned that sadness was uncomfortable for other people, so you became very good at putting it away.

Or maybe anger wasn’t allowed.

“Don’t you dare speak to me like that.”

“Stop being angry.”

“Go to your room until you’ve calmed down.”

Perhaps you learned that expressing anger meant losing connection, so you became someone who swallowed it down, smiled and said, “I’m fine.”

Or perhaps fear wasn’t welcome.

“There’s nothing to be frightened of.”

“Don’t be such a wimp.”

“Just get on with it.”

So you learned not to listen to the part of you that was scared. You pushed through, coped and carried on.

And what about joy?

Perhaps joy wasn’t safe either.

Maybe mum or dad were critical of everyone and everything. Being judgemental became a way of feeling safe or superior. Perhaps showing too much happiness meant being laughed at or brought back down to earth.

“Don’t get too excited.”

“You’ll see.”

“What’s there to be so happy about?”

Perhaps it felt safer not to get too excited about things. Not to celebrate too much. Not to allow yourself to feel joy in case someone took it away.

As children, we are constantly learning which parts of ourselves get a positive response and which parts don’t. We learn which emotions help us stay connected and which emotions might threaten that connection.

And those lessons can stay with us.

Have a look at the table below and think about your own childhood. Which emotions were welcomed? Which ones were dismissed? And which emotion became your “go-to” emotion?

Emotion	Purpose	How it was dismissed in childhood	How it became a go-to in childhood
Anger	Propels change	“Calm down.” “Don’t sulk.” “You’re so sensitive!” “Behave yourself!”	Shouting modelled as communication style at home. This is how to be like mum or dad. Anger may have become the safer emotion — more acceptable than hurt, frightened or sad.
Sadness	Brings relief	“Cheer up!” “Smile, it might never happen!” “You’re so sensitive!”	Mum or dad who were depressed, who joined you in your sadness and rewarded it, “Yes, that’s right, the world is sad.”
Joy	Allows connection and relaxation	Constant criticism, judgement and derision of others. Serious pursuits encouraged.	“Always look on the bright side!” “It’s not so bad.” Perhaps being positive became the way to keep everyone else happy, even when things didn’t feel okay.
Fear	Protects us	“Don’t be such a baby!” “Man-up!” “You’re going to have to toughen up a bit.” “You’re so sensitive!”	Perhaps fear was positively rewarded. Parents limiting activity for fear you’ll hurt yourself. “Oh you’re anxious. No need to do anything.” Easier to display anxiety than anger.

Sometimes the emotion we become most comfortable with isn’t necessarily the true emotion we feel. It may simply be the emotion that was safest to express when we were growing up.

Perhaps anger was easier than sadness. Perhaps fear and worry felt safer than joy and excitement. Perhaps being cheerful and looking after everyone else meant you were known as the strong one, the trouper; you kept mum and dad together and surviving.

So what happens when we start allowing all four?

Perhaps the emotion we were allowed to express isn’t necessarily the emotion we needed to feel.

A child who wasn’t allowed to be sad might learn to become angry instead. A child who wasn’t allowed to show fear might become hyper-independent. A child who had to keep everyone happy might become very good at being cheerful while disconnecting from their own sadness or anger.

So the aim isn’t to get rid of difficult emotions but to look at actively feeling all four each day.

What is my anger telling me?

What does my sadness need?

What is my fear trying to protect me from?

What brings me joy?

And then, importantly, we get to choose what we do next.

Feel the fear (anger/joy/sadness) and do it anyway