Regrets, I've had a few…
Looking back can be as powerful as looking forward.
It's that time of year when everyone is looking forward; making plans and changes — but what about looking back?
I hadn't used social media for years; I missed bits of it — seeing what friends are up to, keeping a type of one-sided contact with people I used to know and still quite like, but not enough to keep in actual touch with! Recently I've started using it again. If I want to be part of something bigger than me, then I need to put myself out there and be part of it.
At the moment, as I read people's achievements and plans for the year ahead, nobody is talking about regrets — like they're shameful, an indication of failure. That doesn't feel right or helpful. Maybe it's because I have so many that I think regrets have a place.
I do have regrets… probably my biggest one is leaving it so late to start to understand myself and why I am the way I am.
All I ever wanted to do when I was younger was leave. I pictured it, I dreamt about it — over there, where the grass is green and the sun is shining, I will be able to be myself. I will be exciting and funny; I will wear a skirt, I will not be repulsed by my arms! I will be confident!
I first left home at 16. I left the UK at 26 and then left repeatedly until I was 50. I rarely stayed in one place more than five years. I have been a professional dancer, a care worker, a social worker, an English teacher, a small hotel owner, a British Vice Consul and now a psychotherapist. I have lived in Russia, the USA and Spain; a year ago bringing my family back to Heaton Moor, Stockport after more than 20 years outside of the UK.
I found psychotherapy as my shiny new seventh career. I am good with people; I've worked with human tragedy, survival and strength for years. It felt like a perfect complement to my skills and what I care about.
The four years of personal therapy that come with it have been a total eye-opener. I had no idea why I kept leaving; no idea why I couldn't accept and relish my own competence; no idea why I kept people at a distance — and mostly no idea why my problems didn't just go away as I got older.
So: new year, new you. All the attention on promises and change gives us a reason to stop, think, and be intentional.
What do I want out of life?
How can I be sure I'm really awake for it?
What am I doing to sabotage myself?
Therapy — for change, for compassion, for understanding yourself (regrets and all) and unlocking the door — is life-changing.
You can read more about how I work on my therapy services page.